My wife and I don’t have children. Fortunately, we’ve got 24 nieces and nephews. Unfortunately, we’ve lived apart for most of our lives. My situation at work is similar. I work out of my home office, but I always want to have colleagues in my life.

Here’s the question: How can you “be there” for people when you can’t always be there?

Here’s what I’ve tried. Long ago I asked, “What do I really want long-term?” And the answer included a few elements.
     •  I want to give what I’m best at giving and to support in areas where my expertise makes me especially able to give.
     •  I want to give, not force. I want people to feel welcome to ask for my help—but I don’t want to force my opinions or “help” on them.
     •  I want an equal relationship where I’m as comfortable receiving help as I am giving it. I also want the people I help to realize I value what they can offer.

Here’s how I’ve tried to use these principles at home and at work.

Giving what I’m best at. My nieces and nephews learn early that Uncle David doesn’t do video games, card games, or board games. Instead, we do muscle-powered sports and adventures. When they were young we’d go on bug safaris or have tree-climbing lessons. Later, we held “Camp David” -- summer excursions composing of backpacking in the Olympic National Forest, kayaking in Puget Sound, or surfing at Huntington Beach. My goal was to introduce new activities, new places, and to create common interests and close relationships. I think it’s working. One of my favorite memories was when a posse of nieces and nephews woke me from a nap to rescue a bird that had gotten tangled in monofilament line high in a tree. They knew I was the uncle to go to, and we saved the bird.

At work, my goal is to be generous with my time and to be seen as having a lot to offer in a few specific areas. Since my principle role is research I stay on top of the latest academic literature. I want to be the go-to person in this and other areas, so I seek out people who can use my kind of help and offer it.

Giving, not forcing. Many of my nieces and nephews are in college and graduate school now and our relationship is evolving. These days, my support is more related to their schooling and careers--helping with school applications and even collaborating on research designs. But I’ve had to learn when to back off. Rather than push my interests, I use the motivational interviewing skills found in our book Influencer to uncover what they want to do and see if there’s a way I can help.

At work I’m a bit more forceful. Sometimes I think I know what’s right and I’m not shy about speaking up. However, I’ve noticed I’m most successful when I listen more than talk. Here’s the challenge: I experience a problem and have a great solution. I rush in with my idea and don’t listen to the other person’s priorities. If I’m not careful, I’ll end up with the right solution to the wrong problem.

Achieving an equal relationship. My nieces and nephews are becoming too busy to spend a lot of time with their crazy uncle. The good news is I don’t need a lot of their time. The current research on social support shows that deep, but infrequent relationships provide the same psychological and physical benefits as close, frequent ones.

At work I get far more than I give. So, the challenge is to ask for help when I need it. The people I work with are extremely busy. I don’t want to impose on their generosity or seem needy. So, I explain the help I need, then I ask about their priorities and the time they might have for me. Finally, I test to see whether they can give me some quick coaching, rather than requiring that they actually help me with the task.

A Challenge. Think about the reputation you have among your relatives and at work. What would people say you are good at? Would people describe you as generous with your time and expertise? How can you become a more valued, supportive member of your social networks?

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Posted by David Maxfield on January 15, 2008 5:39:00 PM MST #