Justin Boudin lost his temper and hit a woman, while he was on his way to his anger-management class. In fact, he walloped her with a binder full of his anger-management homework. I guess he needs the class, but I wonder how it’s working for him.

In our book, Influencer, we discuss how some skills are so central to our ability to function that we consider them character traits. In the book we use the ability to delay gratification as an example. The ability to control our temper is another. They both fit within the general area of impulse control. When a person is lousy at math, we dismiss it with a shrug. But when a person is lousy at anger management, it’s a personality flaw.

If you’re a parent, how can you teach anger-management skills to your children? First, it helps to know how anger works. It’s ignited when we feel at risk, when we believe someone is trying to harm us in some way. Notice the three elements combined in this belief:

1. Someone—a person, not the environment
2. is trying—it’s their intent, not an accident 
3. to harm us in some way—either by cutting us down or by preventing our success.

The leading researcher in this field is James Gross, the director of the Stanford Psychophysiology Laboratory. He finds we use two strategies to control our anger: 1) we hold our anger inside—hiding it from others, or 2) we re-evaluate the elements that have made us angry, a skill we teach as "master my stories" in our book Crucial Conversations. Gross' research shows that mastering your stories is the better, more effective, and healthier approach.

Dr. Harvey Karp shows parents how to deal with toddlers’ fits and tantrums. I really like his approach, in part because it begins to teach the child how to handle strong emotions. He makes the point that toddlers’ brains aren’t developed enough to use our “master my stories” strategy. In fact, he refers to your toddler as the caveman in the crib.

Here are some tips from Dr Karp’s book, Happiest Toddler On The Block.

Your child’s anger is a message. You need to say, “message received,” or your toddler will keep sending it—louder. So, instead of trying to calm your child, get down in her face and gently repeat back what she’s saying to you: “You want balloon! You say, ‘Mommy get me balloon.’” You want balloon!” Try it. Your child will be shocked into silence, thinking “Mommy gets it!”

Once your child has calmed, explain why the balloon can’t happen, and do your best to provide a substitute that will distract the little dear. One of the best distracters is to allow some little victory. Dr Karp uses the example of a brief wrestling match your toddler can win. These little victories build confidence, an essential ingredient in learning patience.

Used over time I think this strategy can teach children how to master their emotions. The angry toddler is fuming, thinking mommy is purposely keeping that balloon from her. But then mommy shows sympathy and understanding. She shows she’s an ally, not a villain. Then mommy explains the situation and finds a pleasant alternative. The toddler learns that getting her way isn’t the only route to happiness and that good things come to those with the patience to wait. The use of distraction is helpful too. It’s one of the most effective strategies adults use to delay gratification.

I’d love to hear from readers who’ve tried some of Dr Karp’s techniques.

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Posted by David Maxfield on March 20, 2008 4:47:00 PM MDT #