I fully endorse the process but have a "challenge" with the timing of this one step:

After your teen has repaired the damage, make it clear that he/she has earned his/her way back into your trust.

It takes far longer to rebuild real trust than it does repair a broken window, remove grafitti, return/replace a stolen piece of property. I don't believe it is easily done in one single act, but rather incrementally - over time. I really believe the expectation of your trust being immediately "restored" is a false expectation to present to anyone.

My first reaction to the return of trust was similar to yours.  After contemplating the scenario I realized I had no background about the teen.  Is this a first offense?  Are there other circumstances to take into consideration?

So why, if I did not know the answers to those questions, did I react.  It took me all of two seconds to realize I was not reacting to the teen but reacting to my experiences with others and how those relationships influenced me in a negative manner.  I want my influence to be positive.

Thanks for your comment.  It helped me realize I was judging others based on my past experiences and not on them.  sh

By the time they are in their teens it is a little late to start trying to change their views and behaviors.  It can be done but usually only through a significant emotional event that causes them to change their perspective view and actions.  Telling a teen age boy that viewing women as sexual objects is probably going to fall on deaf ears.  However, having them view it from the eyes of the parent, sister, girl friend, might help them realize the behavior is less than positive.  While you are at it have a talk about masturbation and see if that works for you too! 

The inmates comment, in the first paragraph, to me, seems like another typical loser refusing to take any responsibility for his/her actions.  In America, EVERYONE gets food, shelter, and clothing.  And EVERYONE is offered a job and an education, if you want to put in a little work.

In reference to his comment... if a dog is given everything he needs, and is offered everything he could want with a little bit of work, he will be a friendly, caring, helpful member of the family and accepted by the community, there would be no reason to put him in a tiny cage, and no reason to kick him.  A good dog would rarely be put in this situation and, therefore, wouldn't bite.

If the dog is simply a violent, stupid, selfish animal that attacks even after given everything it needs..... it is simply a "bad" dog.  And you are correct, caging or tying him up will only make him meaner.  Most dogs that have chosen to be vicious in spite of the opportunities offered.... are NOT kept in a pound for twenty years..... they are put to sleep.  

If  you are in a cage, and being kicked everyday.... You've done something to deserve it.  You weren't put in there as a baby without the opportunity to make choices.  You chose to be useless.  I've already mentioned what is, and should be, done to a useless dog. 

What a nice group of comments! First, I'd like to apologize for the "Shameful Parenting" title. It wasn't what I meant to convey. I really just wanted to introduce the two forms of shaming and raise the discussion about when to use one or the other. Most parents use a mix of the two--and there's nothing shameful about that.

A few responses to individual's comments:

1. Several of you discussed the idea of finding consequences that produce significant emotional events. I agree, but not just any emotional impact will work. Some will backfire--causing hate, revulsion, etc--not what you want as a parent. I think the goal is to create a "conversion," to cause the person to see his/her behavior in a whole new way--in a new way that has moral significance to him or her. While this use of significan emotional events can work, it isn't the only way to create new values. Our chapter on Source 1 strategies for changing personal motivation highlights several alternatives.

2. Some of you point out that there are some populations that you don't think can be reformed. You may be correct, but think about the challenge this places on the criminal justice system. These people are going to be released--refomed or not. Even if we don't like these people, it is worth investing in finding ways to reform them. It's a question of our own safety.

3. There is a theme running through some of the responses that raises the question about whether teenagers or hardened criminals are "too old" or "too set in their ways" to change. This is a question of fact--and I think I can say that the saying, "old dogs can't learn new tricks" is untrue--even for dogs. The hallmark of being a human is our flexibility and ability to adapt.

4. Final note: some of the responses include pretty harsh conclusions about others. Some of these qualify  as  "villain stories". While these conclusions may contain a lot of truth, I suspect they may also overstate the situation. The danger is that these villain stories could prevent us from using our best influence strategies to deal with these tough situations. I'd challenge you to look for exceptions in your harshest conclusions.

Thanks for all the input. These are fun ideas to explore.

David

I am approximately three-quarters through your book and and as a teacher with ten years of experience, I was rather elated to note that, in our profession, we use (rightly or wrongly) the influence strategies you and your co-authors have outlined every day .Having studied the works of Bandura, Piaget, Pavlov and other behaviorists and developmentalists, I am also interested in how the biology and mechanics of behaviour and learning come to play via current brain research. There are definate connections between and among these disciplines and as such I have implemented these ideas into my teaching practice, which is in a constant dynamic state.

Teachers as a whole often "sell ourselves short" on the skill sets we develop and the influence we have amongst our students, our collegues and the parent community. Apart from being influencers, we are also enablers to our stakeholders, where at times we are called upon to be much more than "just teachers" (the list is very extensive of the other roles we have).

 I am also rather saddened to realize that our skills are often not recognized to be of value in the job market outside of the teaching field. Personal bias of course blatant, I find this to be an erroneous mistake on the part of businesses and companies. Continuing my joy in being a life-long learner, I wish to take a break from classroom teaching to learn about and offer my perspectives and skills in another field, most notably, in business areas such as HR, recruiting and the like. This will prove to be a challenging task to make a career change;however, I have never been one to give up easily.

This brings me to a true story that I once heard where a high-ranking official was complaining that teachers are whiners who get too many holidays and who have no skill-set. To him ,"those who can't, teach" was his motto. He was then cordially invited as a guest to a lower-elementary grade classroom and was kindly asked to have the students line up at the door. You can imagine the chaos that insued. From that point forward, he vehemently retracted his earlier statements and became a full supporter of increasing teacher wages and was vocal about how valuable teachers are in society and the inflence they can have.

Thank you for writing this book!